Diary of a Diary Hater
by StrawberryLaughter
Summary: Lucy gives Ruthie a diary for Christmas, much to Ruthie's dismay. But like a leech, a diary can grow on you...
1. My First Entry

_April 25, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_I hope you don't mind that I call you "journal", but I'm not much for diaries. They just sound too…I don't know. They just don't sound like me. YOU don't sound like me, period._

_Anyway, I reluctantly accepted you as a Christmas gift from Lucy. We've never been especially close, and her marrying and moving out has just made us even more unfamiliar to one another. In other words, she hadn't a clue when she bought this that I hate diaries and have no desire to keep one. _

_Nonetheless, I'll try to make this first – and probably last – entry interesting._

_My name is Ruthie Camden. I'm fifteen years old. Yes, I know…a bit too old to be keeping a diary. But remember: spacey sister. Okay? Okay._

_So, I'm in high school, obviously. I don't really have any favorite subjects at school, but I like to see my friends there. Not that I could choose not to go if I wanted to, but I like to make it seem that way when my parents ask how my day was._

_Writing about school is boring, time to move on to friends. I have a lot of friends. Not to brag, but I do. I'm just one of those people, I guess. I like to listen to people's problems and give them advice. Because of that, people flock to me. I'm like our school guidance counselor, except I get more business than he does. He just tries to advertise for the school, anyway. "Maybe joining the chess club…" "Well cheerleading…"_

_Everyone prefers me. I actually care. Again, not bragging! But then, you're just a journal, right? You don't understand. You probably aren't even offended in the slightest. You're not even a "you"! You're just a flowery, girly diary for some eight-year-old to write down her deepest, most troubling of thoughts in._

_But this dia-JOURNAL is supposed to be about me, enough about you._

I have a boyfriend named Peter. He's okay. He's kind of insincere, in a way. I guess he's just been through so much that he doesn't really feel that he needs to contribute anything to our relationship. It's just all me – talking, buying lunch, writing e-mails, considering his feelings – I do enough for the both of us. It wasn't a problem at first, but now it's getting kind of old.

_He's just too needy. He's outspoken and has very strong opinions, but I just don't think he's ready for a relationship. Now Martin…Martin is a totally different story._

_We've known each other since I was about twelve. He's kind, caring, and supportive of everyone. He lived with us for a while and never failed to pull his weight. All of us have actually talked before about how much we miss him. He moved out a while ago. Now he's got a pretty girlfriend named Sandy and a baby boy named Aaron. I personally preferred Cecilia over Sandy, but she's dating Simon again. They'll probably get married._

_But until that day, it's me, Simon, Sam & David, Mom, Dad, and Happy living here at home. As I said above, Lucy is moved out and lives in the house next to ours' with her husband Kevin and their baby, Savannah. We see her a lot though, whereas Matt and his wife, Sarah, and Mary and her husband, Carlos, live farther away. Matt and Sarah want to have a baby, Mary and Carlos already have one, a little boy. I don't understand why they're all so obsessed with babies._

_Yep…so…that's my life. That's my boring, uninteresting life where all I do is give people advice, try to make Peter happy, watch all of my SIBLINGS live interesting lives, watch Martin make a big deal over his baby and some other girl, and write in this stupid diary – uh, journal. Isn't that pathetic?_

_Well, first and last entry, I guess. I don't know. It kind of felt good to let my feelings out. Maybe I'll see if I feel like writing again tomorrow. It's Simon's birthday so I'm assuming that it will be at least somewhat interesting. Okay, I'll write. But then that will be it, because I hate diaries. I'm still confused about why I'm even CONSIDERING writing tomorrow but I guess that's part of owning one of these stupid things…_

_Hate you lots!_

_Ruthie Camden_


	2. Two More Pointless Entries

_April 26, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_No, I have not dropped nor do I plan to drop the "journal" thing. In my eyes, you are still a journal, not a diary. Diaries are stupid._

_So today was Simon's birthday…how incredibly uneventful. I guess after you've reached the big 20 then birthdays aren't especially important anymore. We went out to eat at some so-so restaurant and he and Cecilia just stared at each other across the table the whole time. No presents unless you include a gift card to some bookstore that he's never going to use, and no birthday cake. Does that sound like a fun birthday to you? I don't think so._

_I mean, sure I don't want my next birthday to include paper streamers and a Barbie cake, but I sure hope it's not as boring as his was. It was hardly even a birthday at all. This brings me to my next point, which is that anything and everything that happens involving me is totally boring. It's true. Whenever I'm not around, interesting stuff happens. I swear, if I'd suddenly caught cold and stayed home I bet that they would have bumped into Kelly Clarkson at the restaurant and she would have proceeded to escort them to the coolest, hippest, most expensive party on the face of the earth – V.I.P., of course._

_And that brings me to my next, next point, which is that I don't need to keep a diary. Nothing interesting ever happens to me. So this will definitely be my last entry._

_Hope you have a good life on the top shelf of my closet! Collect lots of dust!_

_Ruthie Camden_

_April 27, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_Okay, so something interesting actually did happen today. I broke up with Peter._

_My hand is going to cramp so badly after I finish scribbling this down, but here's what happened…_

_We planned to meet at the Promenade. Sounds simple enough, right? But Peter was late. Yes, he was very late indeed. After a while I got sick of waiting for him and went home, absolutely seething. Then he called. Here is the exact dialogue as I remember it:_

_R: "Hello?"_

_P: "Where are you?"_

_R: "Peter? What do you mean where am I? I'm at home. I got tired of waiting for you."_

_P: "You never even showed up, what're you talking about?"_

_R: "We agreed to meet at the Promenade, remember?"_

_P: "No we didn't! We agreed to meet at my house and play it by ear!"_

_R: silence_

_P: "Ruthie!"_

_R: "Peter, we did so agree to meet at the Promenade! I can't believe you forgot!"_

_P: "I forgot…yeah, right. I think I have a better memory than you do."_

_R: "Ha, since when?"_

_P: "You know what, I've been waiting for half an hour, and I'm tired of waiting."_

_R: "Well apparently you forgot what TIME we were meeting, too!"_

_P: "How's that?"_

_R: "Because I waited for forty-five minutes before I came home an hour ago!"_

_P: "You're losing it, Ruthie."_

_(This is where it got good…)_

_R: "You know what? I think you're right! I AM losing it, because I've had it!"_

_P: "Had it with what? You're crazy."_

_R: "I've had it with YOU! I give and give and you give nothing!"_

_P: silence_

_R: "I'm always the one to do everything; I may as well be in a relationship with myself!"_

_P: "Ruthie, we're not married. You've been watching too many soap operas."_

_R: "I don't care if we're not married; we're still in a relationship!"_

_P: "Maybe I don't want to be in one with you anymore."_

_R: "Maybe I feel the same! I've just had enough, Peter. I'm through."_

_And then I hung up on him and ran up to my room crying. It doesn't matter how insensitive and obnoxious a guy is, it still hurts to feel like you're losing them. And Peter was being a total jerk. I had written down in my day planner right after I got off the phone with him the night before – Peter, Promenade, 12:00. But I wasn't even going to bother to mention that to him. He'd never believe me. It's his stubbornness that strained our relationship in the first place, and he certainly hasn't lost that about him in these past years._

_So now I'm single. It feels kind of nice, kind of strange, kind of upsetting, and kind of relieving. But mostly it's just scary. What if I never have another boyfriend again? What a nightmare that would be! I guess it's possible, though. Ugh…_

_Cecilia tried to cheer me up, but it didn't help much. Looking at her made me think of when she and Martin were dating, and thinking of when she and Martin were dating made me think of Martin. That's when I started to feel guilty like maybe I'd broken up with Peter just because I thought I had even a teeny chance with Martin, which I don't. He practically has a family now. And even though he and Sandy don't get along particularly well, she's really pretty, a lot prettier than I am. And he's got a family to take care of now._

_Okay, I'm going to be random now…I just flipped back a few pages and wrote "My First Entry" at the top of my first journal entry. Why did I do that? Has my subconscious mind decided that I'm going to actually write in this diary…drat, I mean journal…every day? I think not! I'm just writing because I'm upset. After that, I WILL put this cursed thing up on the shelf in my closet, pile a bunch of junk on top of it, and never write in it again – EVER!_

_Wait, phone's ringing. That could be Peter. I wonder what he's got to say this time…he's probably going to recite a bunch of lame apologies that he doesn't even –_

_Phone's for me, probably him, got to go. Maybe I'll write later or maybe I won't._

_Ruthie Camden_


	3. Even More Babbling

_April 28, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_So yesterday was a day off of school, obviously, or I wouldn't have been able to spend all day thinking about Peter. It turned out that it WAS him calling on the phone but I felt like being a brat so I turned down the call. I instantly regretted it._

_Today I had to go back to school, which was just what I needed – the torment of seeing Peter in the halls all day long as well as rapid-fire questions from my confused friends who can't understand why we even broke up in the first place._

_Finally at the end of the school day, Peter approached me and begged for my forgiveness. It was just what I'd expected of him, as you'll remember me saying in a previous entry. He does it anytime we get into any sort of disagreement. Once again I'll grace you with the dialogue from our conversation…_

_P: "Hey, Ruthie…we need to talk."_

_R: "Why?"_

_P: "You know why. I don't understand what happened between us."_

_R: "Look, Peter, I meant everything I said yesterday on the phone."_

_P: "You seriously feel like you have to do EVERYTHING?"_

_R: "Yes, of course! Peter, I don't think you care about me as much as you think you do."_

_P: "Excuse me?"_

_R: "You don't! I'm not sure what exactly the problem is, but this isn't working."_

_P: "So that's it, then? Almost five years down the toilet."_

_R: "No, Peter. There were a few fun times. And we can still hang out."_

_P: "I'd rather not."_

_And then Peter made a dramatic exit. I hate dramatic exits. I hate them almost as much as diaries. It's stomping off in an emotional way with a hurt glance over the shoulder and a feeling of triumph, even though you're just running away from your problems. Running away makes you feel like you're in control, but you're really not. I know, because I felt like a total moron after hanging up on Peter yesterday and then refusing to take his call._

_So that's it. Peter and I are no longer dating. And I don't feel any better about it than I did yesterday. But I think I made the right decision. A one-person relationship like that can't list forever. And maybe, on the occasion that we would get back together one day, Peter would have more appreciation for me. At least I hope so._

_Why am I still writing? Could this diary be the REAL problem here?_

_Ruthie Camden_

_April 29, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_I talked to Martin today. He was shocked to hear that Peter and I had broken up. I don't even know why I told him, actually. I'm wondering if maybe I was, without realizing it, trying to throw it out there so that he knew that I was single._

_Anyway, so his beautiful girlfriend and his baby boy are doing great. They're thinking of becoming a real family now A.K.A. Martin and Sandy getting married. Now I feel even dumber for breaking up with Peter. I gambled him away and now I have no one. I'd rather have a dull boyfriend like him than no boyfriend at all. I guess I didn't break up with him JUST because of Martin, but I still feel kind of low._

_Simon mentioned at dinner that he and Cecilia are considering getting married too, just as I'd predicted. It's actually kind of ironic, seeing how I just officially ended mine and Peter's relationship today, and everyone else's relationships are fantastic. But anyway, judging by the way my parents reacted when Simon told them; he's probably going to go through with it. I feel sorry for him; he's got so much pressure on him now that he told Mom and Dad. Okay, OKAY! So it's kind of amusing, but I still SORT of feel sorry for him…_

_But mostly I feel sorry for myself. Martin and Sandy thinking about tying the knot means that I can kiss my dreams of ever being Martin's girlfriend good-bye. I know he doesn't really love Sandy, but like I said, they've got to think of Aaron. Oh, yeah…I feel sorry for Aaron, too. He's kind of in a sticky situation right now, even though he's just a baby. If things don't work out with Sandy and Martin (which you know that I'm secretly hoping they won't) things will be pretty bad for him. But I could be a good stepmother to him; I know that I could…_

_Sometimes I shock myself with how pathetic and selfish I can be – putting my needs before Aaron's and Sandy's and Martin's, and getting irritated with Simon just because things are going good for him. But that's what these silly diaries encourage, isn't it? A waterfall of feelings, some of which you wouldn't be feeling otherwise; a place to rant and rave about stupid things that you have no control over and to create problems out of nothing. _

_I hate diaries, I absolutely hate them. I hope that I don't get in one of those writing moods and write tomorrow. I want to end this – seriously._

_Hopefully I'll be over you by tomorrow!_

_Ruthie Camden_


	4. The Longest Entry Thus Far

_April 30, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_You're not going to believe this! Martin called and he's coming over – he and Sandy broke up!_

_I was kind of trying to keep the conversation fresh in my mind as it was happening so that I could…remember it to relay to everyone else! Of course I wasn't planning to write the exact conversation in your flimsy pages! No._

_But I guess I'd like to have this conversation for future reference. Not that it's a great conversation or anything, no matter how badly I wanted Martin and Sandy to break up before, but…you know, just thought I'd share since you're BEGGING…_

_R: Camden residence, this is Ruthie speaking._

_M: Oh…hey, Ruth._

_R: Martin, is that you?_

_M: Yeah…um…would you all mind if I came over?_

_R: What's wrong? And tell the truth._

_M: Sandy's taking Aaron to Florida._

_R: Huh?_

_M: She's taking Aaron to Florida._

_R: You mean like on a trip?_

_M: No, she's moving in with her sister. And she's taking Aaron with her._

_R: You mean she LEFT YOU?_

_M: Well, if you want to be blunt…_

_R: Sorry._

_M: It's okay._

_R: So what happened?_

_M: We started arguing over Aaron's future. It was pretty pathetic._

_R: Oh._

_M: But then she said a lot of things, and I said a lot of things…_

_R: True things?_

_M: Yeah, true things, but mean things._

_R: Can you give me an example?_

_M: Ugh…I told her she was ditzy…she told me I was dull._

_R: So basically you had a big, humungous, screaming fight?_

_M: silence_

_R: You…you should call her._

_M: No, Ruth, the damage has been done._

_R: But Aaron…_

_M: If she wants to just take Aaron like that, I guess that's fine._

_R: Don't you care about him?_

_M: Of course I care about him! But she's his mom, there's not much I can do._

_R: Will she let you visit?_

_M: I really don't know, Ruth. But she's staying with her older sister…_

_R: Her older and more experienced sister, am I right?_

_M: Yeah, and here I am alone. I couldn't raise him anyway._

_R: Plus she's his mom; he needs her at least in his early years._

_M: As I mentioned before._

_R: So you couldn't patch things up, you're positive?_

_M: I told her she was a ditz, remember? And that she was desperate…_

_R: Ouch._

_M: And annoying, and obnoxious, and self-centered…_

_R: Triple ouch._

_M: And duller than I am by far, and I told her I meant it all._

_R: Quadruple ouch._

_M: And then I stormed out and she followed me and told me she was leaving._

_R: Is she there now?_

_M: No, she went to go stay with her parents and talk things through with them._

_R: Maybe they'll convince her that she needs to stay in Glenoak._

_M: Ruth, they hated me from the very beginning._

_R: Aw…Martin…_

_M: Yeah, so it's looking pretty down for me._

_R: Why don't you come on over?_

_M: Okay, I'll be right there. See you._

_R: Bye._

_And then I hung up. And then I cried because it's my fault. If I hadn't been wishing for them to break up every free second that I have, practically, things wouldn't be so terrible for them. Now poor Martin could very well be doomed to paying child support every month for his sweet little baby boy that he'll never see again. Okay, he'll probably see him again at some point, but you get what I mean. _

_I also blame Sandy. That girl is everything Martin told her she was. I just wonder what she would call Martin besides dull…she had to have made some stuff up because Martin is cute, caring, kind, sweet, thoughtful – how could you even SAY something bad about him?_

_Doorbell! I'll POSSIBLY write again tonight…underline possibly!_

_Ruthie Camden_

_Okay, this is the same day so I may as well just add on to what I've already written, right? Should I put a P.S. or something? Oh, well._

_Martin did call Sandy. She told him that she was tired of his little outbursts and that he really hurt her. She also said that her parents would be more than willing to send her to Florida to live with her sister, who she claimed was more mature than he was. (I think she forgets that Martin IS only 19.)_

_It turned into another big screaming fight and Sandy hung up on him. Martin looked upset, but he said that things weren't working out between him and Sandy anyway. He said that they didn't have screaming fights very often, but that they actually did have a few in the past. He also said that he didn't really care much about her and that he only wanted to be there for Aaron, and that if she was going to take him away too, then he may as well just send child support and try to forget about it. But I could tell that he was far from forgetting about it._

_My mom and dad and I talked to him for hours, but by the way he described the past few months, it sounds like it might have even been for the better that they're breaking up. Apparently Sandy's parents were pretty mean to Martin because they could sense that he didn't like Sandy too much._

_It's just a bad situation. I feel so terrible for him. I wanted to be his girlfriend so badly, but now I just want him to be happy. I wish he could just take Aaron and never have to put up with Sandy again. But that's obviously not going to happen._

_Sandy can be overly dramatic but I actually think she's serious this time. My dad whispered to Martin to calm down when he was yelling at Sandy (he called her back after she hung up) and Sandy screamed so loud that I could hear from across the room that Martin was just a twit and that the Camdens (us) were practically his brain and that without them he would be absolutely worthless. I wanted to reach through the phone and punch her._

_I hate Sandy. I hate that Martin is angry. I hate that I jinxed them…okay, I don't believe in jinxes but you get my point. And I hate diaries. I HATE diaries…I hate them!_

_Ruthie Camden _

_(Should I really be signing this again? I wonder if there's a diary rulebook. Ha! Wouldn't that be hysterical? A diary rulebook! And it would only have one rule…throw your pitiful diary in the trash!)_


	5. A Very Hectic Monday

_May 1, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_Today was a terrible day. I went to school, but I could hardly focus in all of my classes. I didn't even linger in the halls in hopes that getting to my classes early would make the day go faster.  
_

_All I could think about was poor Martin. He went home…back to his real home, I mean. He didn't want to go back to the apartment that he and Sandy were living in. He said that he's going to try to find a way to break the contract and get out of that place. Of course, Mom and Dad said that they were willing to help in any way that they could._

_As soon as I got home from school, I called Martin to check on him. We only talked for a little while because he had a game today. Imagine that – getting dumped by an obnoxious girl who just happens to have possession of your child, and then being expected to give it your all at a tough game against one of the baseball team's biggest rivals the VERY NEXT DAY! I don't know how he does it…but anyway, here's a snippet of our phone conversation. I was so caught up in talking to him that this is basically all I can remember…_

_M: Hello?_

_R: Hey, Martin. It's Ruthie._

_M: Oh, hey…um, I thought you were Sandy._

_R: I could tell by your voice. You're pretty scared of her now, aren't you?_

_M: Well she's taking my kid across the country!_

_R: Good point. So did you actually talk to her today?_

_M: Uh…yeah._

_R: Martin, please don't tell me there was another argument._

_M: Okay, there wasn't another argument…are you happy?_

_R: Ha, you're real convincing._

_M: She's just being so stubborn. She won't just be rational. He's MY KID, too!_

_R: I know._

_M: She thinks she's so 'strong' for standing her ground. It's senseless!_

_R: And you've tried talking to her like a mature adult?_

_M: Ruth, if you could only see her…listen to her…she's losing it._

_So it's looking like things really are over. Martin wasn't excited at first when he found out that he and Sandy would be having a baby. In fact, he was kind of a jerk with her up until the day when Aaron was born. Then he sort of…changed. He became the caring, supportive Martin that he's always been with us. And even though he was still uncomfortable with Sandy and wasn't exactly head over heels for her, things were looking up._

_But then Sandy revealed her true self. The whole 'girl next door' act was just to lure Martin in, then, once she felt like she had him caught in her web, she didn't feel the need to hide anymore. She blossomed into a rude, assertive, obnoxious girl that no one could stand to be around, including Martin. And now Martin's finally been given the chance to get away from her, and he can't because of Aaron! He's fighting and fighting no matter how many times she puts him down, just for Aaron. It's so pitiful, and I don't mean that in a harsh way. I wish there was something I could do. WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO BE SO CRAZY AND MESSED UP!_

_But In other news, Simon and Cecilia have been talking a lot lately about getting married. Yes, I do often play the role of Ruthie the Snoop, but at least Simon doesn't know that._

_So, hopefully they'll get married and their relationship won't fall apart the way Martin and Sandy's has. Actually, I know it won't because Cecilia's not obnoxious – at least not anymore. She used to have boyfriend issues…she was kind of a two-timer. But now she's seen the light, and she tries to be friendly and understanding; motherly, really._

_If only Simon could be as nice as her…I'm just kidding. Simon's okay. But he's my older brother. I can't be overly fond of him or my parents would think that I was an alien from another planet. Sibling taunting and teasing is expected of children, no matter what age._

_While I was eavesdropping on Simon's phone conversation today, my cell phone rang. Guess who? It was Peter. THIS phone conversation I can remember!_

_R: Hello?_

_P: Ruthie, it's me._

_R: Hi, Peter._

_P: I didn't see you in the halls at school today. I missed you.  
_

_R: Oh…_

_P: Oh? Is that all you have to say?_

_(He wasn't expecting an "I miss you too" was he? Nah, of course he wasn't!)_

_R: What do you mean?_

_P: Haven't you been missing me too?_

_(Oh…maybe he was! What a surprise!)_

_R: As a friend._

_P: What's that supposed to mean? You're missing me as a 'friend'?_

_R: I guess that did sound pretty stupid._

_P: Yeah, it did._

_R: Well, I meant everything I said that day. Sorry._

_P: Okay, if that's the way you're going to be._

_R: Like I said…sorry!_

_P: But Ruthie you're the only girl who every really understood me._

_R: Peter, I DO understand you – completely. And you're not ready for a relationship!_

_P: I really care about you._

_(Was that sappy? Yes, yes it was very sappy indeed…unless it had been Martin who said it. dreamy sigh)_

_R: Well, I don't care about you in that way anymore._

_P: I'll change!_

_R: No, Peter. Just let it go._

_P: But –_

_R: Just let it go._

_click_

_dial tone_

_No comment. No comment. I've had enough of him. In fact, I don't feel like commenting anymore on anything. So that's my diary entry for today. I hope you are pleased. You have lured me into this stupid diary thing, and now I'm trapped, just like Martin was with Sandy. Except, if I'm lucky, maybe YOU'LL take your matching fuzzy pencil and move to Florida, too! HOORAY!_

_Ruthie Camden_


	6. A Dull Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday

_May 2, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_I didn't get to talk to Martin today. Naturally, I was worried about him all through school and all through the bus ride home. But he wasn't answering his home phone or his cell phone, so I'm even more worried about him now. I hope that he's okay._

_Of course, I didn't get to talk to the person that I most wanted to talk to. But I got to talk to the person I least wanted to talk to. It was actually a fairly short conversation, though._

_R: Hello, Peter._

_P: Do you have Caller ID?_

_R: On my cell phone, I do._

_P: So I'm still worthy of having my name in your cell phone?_

_R: Sure. Why not?_

_P: Well, that makes me feel good._

_R: Good._

_P: So, I just called to tell you that I'm going out with Frieda Allen tomorrow night._

_R: And this is something I need to know…because?_

_P: If things work out with her, then we can be friends again._

_R: Why can't we be friends now?_

_P: Because I need a girlfriend first, then we won't feel pressured to get together again._

_R: Huh?_

_P: Just trust me._

_R: Peter, you make no sense._

_P: You'll see how much easier it is once Frieda and I start going steady._

_R: Okay, well, bye!_

_P: Wait…_

_R: Good-bye, Peter._

_P: Are you jealous?_

_R: GOOD-BYE!_

_P: Whatever, bye._

_Sometimes I wonder if beneath that blond, spiky hair, there is actually a brain. Or maybe it is just a big hollow space in his head. And little spiders crawl into his ears and build webs inside of it. And then they lay eggs. And then the big hollow space fills up. And then he gets sick. And then he sneezes. And then spiders spray out of his ears! It's his deep, dark secret…_

_Ruthie Camden_

_May 3, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_I just looked back and re-read that "spiders" thing. Sometimes I wonder if Peter isn't the only one with a big hollow space in their head. Wait…I know I'm smarter than Peter. So maybe I have at least a little pea-sized brain… my spiders use it as a trampoline. Oh, great…here I go again…_

_I still can't get a hold of Martin. I'm getting REALLY concerned now. He shouldn't be this busy. Part of me doubts that he even IS busy. I'm hoping that he's not curled up in some corner, wallowing in his sorrows. I might bring some food or something over to him, just to have an excuse to check on him. I also hope that he's eating well._

_Simon went out with Cecilia again this evening. They're probably going to talk about the same wedding-related things over and over like they have for the past few days. Eavesdropping on their phone calls has become unbearably boring because of that. First Simon has to reassure Cecilia that her wedding dress won't be cheap and dingy, then they talk about if they really do want to get married for half an hour, then Cecilia starts worrying about her dress again, then she worries about picking bridesmaids, which gets Simon worked up about picking groomsmen, and then they start back at the dress and go through the list again. I fell asleep with the phone in my hand last night, listening in._

_Peter's going out with Frieda tonight, too. Honestly, I don't think their relationship will last. Frieda is just as needy as Peter, if not more. She reminds me of Cecilia when she's fussing over her wedding dress. Simon reassures her and reassures her and yet she STILL worries. Well if Frieda is upset about something, good luck, because she's the exact same way – except she's not getting married. She's needy ALL the time._

_But then, I guess she would always be worried about whether or not Peter found her "acceptable". And then she would do everything plus more for him. And needy Peter would enjoy that I-want-to-spoil-you attitude very much, because that's what he always expected of me. So maybe my first thought was wrong. Maybe they really ARE perfect for each other._

_And yet, when I think about Peter seeing someone else, it still bothers me. I guess that I still consider him to be "mine". Picturing him with another girl makes me feel really lonely. But I know that as soon as I can get in touch with Martin that feeling of loneliness will fade and be replaced with a little spark of hope…that maybe, somehow, we could be together._

_Ruthie Camden-Brewer_

_(I'm sorry. I had to do it. But doesn't it look nice? Ruthie Camden-Brewer…)_

_May 3, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Can you guess what it is? If you guessed 3, you're correct. 3 are how many days have passed since I have talked to Martin._

_I saw Peter in the hallway at school today. I half expected Frieda to be with him, but she wasn't. We talked for a little while. This is basically how I remember it…_

_P: Hey, Ruthie!_

_R: Oh, hi, Peter._

_P: I just wanted to let you know that Frieda and I had a fabulous time last night._

_R: 'Fabulous'?_

_P: Frieda says 'fabulous' a lot. I guess it's kind of rubbed off on me._

_R: Oh. So does that mean that we're friends again?_

_P: Actually…no._

_R: No?_

_P: Well, Ruthie…I don't know…I mean…_

_R: Peter, I've known you since I was twelve. 'I don't know' isn't going to cut it._

_P: Um…_

_R: Out with it. I can handle it._

_P: Frieda is kind of possessive. She'd freak out if she saw us together._

_R: Even now?_

_P: Yeah, I should probably get going._

_R: What about your mom? Will she be jealous of your mom?_

_P: Ha, ha…how witty._

_R: Well I'm just saying._

_P: I've really got to go. I'll talk to you later, Ruthie._

_R: Talk to me later? What about Frieda? Wouldn't that enrage her?_

_Peter just smiled a little half-smile and walked off. And strangely enough, it cut like a knife when he basically implied that we wouldn't be seeing much of each other anymore. I REALLY need to talk to Martin. I need to talk to a nice, caring, handsome guy and be reminded of the good decision I made when I broke up with Peter in the first place. And actually, I just remembered that I never did hang up on Peter. He hung up on ME. What a jerk! I guess I just haven't been thinking straight lately…at all._

_Breaking up with Peter, Simon and Cecilia thinking about getting married, Martin and Sandy breaking up…it's all just too much for me to take. I actually almost put the box of cereal in the fridge today, that's how distracted I was! I can hardly think straight right now as I'm writing this._

_Oh, Mom said the phone's for me. I didn't here it ring. Go figure. Wait, she looks upset…she's wondering why I'm writing and not answering…this must be serious. Oh, she says it's Martin!_

_Ruthie Camden_


	7. A Nightmare Friday

_May 5, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_I don't know where to start, I swear I don't. I guess maybe at my phone conversation with Martin yesterday evening. That should pretty much explain my confusion and uncertainty._

_R: Hello?_

_M: Hi, Ruth. It's Martin._

_R: Hey! I've been trying to get a hold of you –_

_M: Aaron's not mine._

_(A long silence followed that confession.)_

_R: Huh?_

_M: Ruth, Sandy and I had a blood test done a few days ago. Aaron's not mine._

_R: W-what? You mean…he's not…_

_M: He's not mine._

_R: But he…and…you're serious?_

_M: Yeah…_

_R: Oh, Martin. Are you alright? Do you want to come over? I'm…I'm so sorry._

_M: I'm okay, but that's why I haven't been answering the phone._

_R: Have you been eating? Are you getting enough rest?_

_M: Well…_

_R: When was the last time you ate!_

_M: I had a granola bar._

_R: When?_

_M: Yesterday morning._

_R: MARTIN!_

_M: I haven't been hungry._

_R: What about sleep?_

_M: I slept last night…sort of._

_R: Come over. My mom will fix you something to eat and you can tell us everything._

_M: Okay, I guess. Bye, Ruth._

_R: See you in a few minutes._

_There have been so many things happening in my life these past few weeks. But out of everything, hearing Martin's sullen, pained voice when he told me that Aaron didn't belong to him…that stung the worst. Because I know how much he loved Aaron._

_Over a huge dinner that Mom prepared (since Martin was half-starved) Martin told us about the blood test. _

_He said that the day before, he and Sandy were having another huge fight, and she revealed that she wasn't positive that Aaron was his to begin with. Martin said that he was totally taken off guard and he insisted that they get a blood test the very next day._

_He told us that they drew some of his blood and some of Aaron's and took it to a lab in the back room to see if they were related. He said that in those few minutes before the doctor returned, he loved Sandy and Aaron more than he ever had before. He said that the realization that Aaron might not be his made him realize how much he cared about the 4-month-old baby, and how badly he didn't want to lose him. And he said that Sandy's hands started shaking and she started crying. And for the last few seconds before the doctor opened the door and came back into the small office, he put his arm around Sandy and they both just sat there, holding Aaron._

_Then he said the doctor returned and told them that none of Martin's blood was in Aaron. He said that he started crying along with Sandy. And then Aaron started crying, even though he didn't really understand._

_My Mom and Dad and I just sat there, feeling so sorry for Martin. Finally he sighed and started twirling his spoon around in his soup bowl. I took that as an opportunity to speak up._

"_You know…you and Sandy don't HAVE to split up."_

_Looking back on it, I can't believe that those kind, caring words came from someone who has been so selfish lately. All I wanted was for Martin and Sandy to break up, but now all I want is for Martin and Sandy to be together, which is kind of annoying, because it seems like whatever I want, I get the opposite._

"_No, Ruth. Sandy and I went to a restaurant afterwards and grabbed a booth in the back, where we just cried and cried. We just sat there talking about how terrible this was until she said something…something that I hadn't expected her to say. I told her that I wanted to stay together, that I loved her and Aaron. And she said, 'No, Martin. You're quite a bit younger than I am, you know. My parents and sister will take care of me and Aaron. But you're only nineteen. You're a great baseball player. You've got so much going for you. You don't need to be tied down with a family, at least not yet. And honestly, I want to find Aaron's real dad. I would never make you do his job. I'm sorry, Martin. But I just couldn't do that to you. Aaron's not yours.' It cut like a knife, but I could tell by the look on her face that she was serious, and that she wasn't going to budge. So we promised to be on good terms, and I said good-bye to Aaron…"_

_Then he began to cry, right there at the table. And he said, "It was a nightmare. I've just been lying on the couch all week, blaming myself for everything I said to Sandy. If I hadn't started that argument, maybe we'd all still be together."_

_But once again, I surprised myself with what I said. It's like it came out automatically. Maybe it was God, I'm not really sure._

"_Martin, it was only a matter of time before she told you. You can't blame yourself for everything, either. Besides, as much as you loved her at the appointment and at the restaurant, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her?"_

_Martin took a deep breath and shook his head. Then (much to my relief) he ate his dinner, and went home to go to bed._

_I still just can't believe it, though. I don't think that anyone can. It's just too much of a shock right now._

_When Simon and Cecilia got home from their date, I told them everything. Cecilia was crying. She loves Simon, but she still cares about Martin in a "just friends" sort of way._

_I wish that Peter and I could be "just friends". For some reason, I really want to tell him about what's happened. I know that he would understand._

_So…I talked to Martin again today. He's still pretty glum, and I am too. I just wish there was something I could do for him._

_Ruthie Camden_


	8. A Fairly Interesting Saturday

_May 6, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_Peter called this morning. You're probably expecting the dialogue from our conversation, right? Gosh, before you know it, I'll be able to look back on every phone conversation that I ever took part in. _

_R: Hi, Peter._

_P: Caller ID?_

_R: What do you think?_

_P: So you still haven't removed me from your list?_

_R: Did you want me to?_

_P: No, but I figured after the way I treated you the other day…_

_R: This should be interesting. I'm waiting._

_P: Fine, fine! I treated you pretty bad. And I'm sorry._

_R: Apology accepted, but what about Frieda?_

_P: She cheated on me._

_R: FRIEDA CHEATED ON YOU!_

_P: Don't laugh, it's not funny!_

_R: hysterical laughing_

_P: Ruthie!_

_R: choke_

_P: Are you going to stop, or do I need to hang up?_

_R: Okay, okay…ha, ha, ha…I'll…ha, ha…stop._

_P: How is it that you find Frieda cheating on me amusing?_

_R: Because you got what you deserved, and also because Frieda's such a goody-goody._

_P: I didn't think that she was the cheating type either._

_R: So did you call so that you could magically become my friend again?_

_P: Pretty much._

_R: Well, it's not going to be that easy._

_P: Okay, Sergeant Ruthie._

_R: Actually, I have to go._

_P: You're just saying that._

_R: No, I'm serious. I really have to go. But I'll call you later or tomorrow or something._

_P: Whatever. Talk to you later._

_R: Bye._

_I really did have to go…because Martin was calling on the other line. May I entertain you with yet another conversation? I'm starting to remember things better now. I guess because I'm expected to right them down._

_R: Hi, Martin._

_M: Hey, Ruth._

_R: How're you doing?_

_M: Better. I think I'm doing better._

_R: That's great! Did you eat any breakfast?_

_M: I had another granola bar._

_R: Are you still hungry?_

_M: I'm not forcing your mom to make another big meal again, Ruth._

_R: So you ARE hungry. Well, we've got leftovers!_

_M: From last night?_

_R: No, from breakfast!_

_M: Do tell._

_R: Bacon, eggs, toast, hash browns, and sliced oranges…is your mouth watering yet?_

_M: I'm swimming in my own drool._

_R: Good, so I'll see you in five minutes?_

_M: Sure, I guess._

_R: Okay. Bye, Martin._

_M: Bye, Ruth._

_So Martin came over and ate all of our leftovers. But at least he has an appetite. I'm starting to wonder if all he has at home are granola bars. I think I'll pick some stuff up for him the next time we go to the grocery store._

_It's kind of sad…he lives all by himself. His aunt moved out as soon as he turned eighteen, saying that he was a mature young man now and that she had places to go and things to see. His father is still away, serving in the military or navy or something…I honestly can't remember. He comes home from his duties every now and then to check on Martin, but still…_

_Obviously we all wish that Martin could live here, but now that Simon's moved back in, there isn't a spare room in the house. Hopefully Simon and Cecilia will stop acting like such morons and get married sometime in the next fifty years, though._

_This evening I heard them repeating the same conversation over and over again, as usual. Except this time, I got the privilege of hearing both sides of the conversation rather than just Simon's. What joy! I felt like stomping into the family room and shouting, "CECILIA, QUIT WORRYING ABOUT YOUR STUPID DRESS! IT'LL LOOK FINE! QUIT MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL! AND YOU BOTH ARE TOGETHER NON-STOP, YOU MAY AS WELL JUST GET MARRIED FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! AND SIMON, QUIT WORRYING ABOUT GROOMSMEN! JUST TAKE KEVIN, CARLOS, MATT, AND A FRIEND OR SOMETHING! IT DOESN'T MATTER! AND CECILIA, NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT HAVING TOO MANY BRIDESMAIDS BECAUSE I'M SO SICK OF HEARING YOUR STUPID CONVERSATIONS THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE WEDDING, MUCH LESS BE IN IT! SO THERE! I WANT SILENCE – **NOW!**"_

_But then Cecilia would probably scrunch up her face like her feelings had been permanently hurt, and like she would be scarred for life. Then Simon would get angry and yell at me, even though I'm obviously not his kid. And then they both would leave the house and start questioning their relationship even more. _

_Cecilia would say, "Simon, I don't know if I can marry someone with a maniac sister."_

_Ugh…I'm so tired. I've got too many things to think about. Peter, Martin, Simon, Cecilia…it makes my head spin…which makes the spiders in my head get motion sick._

_I'll write again tomorrow, hopefully. Wait, what did I just say? I'm not writing again tomorrow! You may think that you have me fooled, diary, but trust me, you have not! I WILL NOT write again tomorrow! I repeat: I WILL NOT! I've already written enough entries, you can just be happy with those! I am putting you away, understand? _

_I'm not even going to sign my name, just because I don't want to give you the satisfaction! So there!_


	9. Two Entries and Two Big Decisions

_May 7, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_Cecilia came over for dinner tonight. As Mom was clearing the table, Simon announced that he and Cecilia had finally decided to get married. Of course, there was a lot of gasping and crying and stuttering, even though everyone already knew that they were discussing it. Mom was practically floating, she was so happy. _

_I wonder what it's like to love someone that much. So much that you would want to get married. Do I like Martin that much? I know that he doesn't have the same feelings for me that I do for him, so I guess the chances of us ever getting married are pretty slim. But still, a girl can dream, can't she?_

_Mom let me call Martin after dinner, and Simon gave me permission to tell him about his and Cecilia's decision. As usual, you are going to want the dialogue of our conversation, right?_

_M: Hello?_

_R: Hi, Martin. It's Ruthie._

_M: Hey, Ruth._

_R: Guess what?_

_M: What?_

_R: Simon and Cecilia are getting married!_

_M: Oh…really?_

_R: Yeah. Why don't you sound excited?_

_M: Hey, I've still got feelings for Cecilia._

_R: You never told me that._

_M: Well, think about it. She broke my heart. I'm still getting over that._

_R: Were you hoping to get back together with her?_

_M: No. If she doesn't care that much about me, then it would never be sincere._

_R: I'm sorry, Martin. I mean for everything that's happened and…_

_M: Don't be sorry. Everyone has tough times like these._

_R: I should have known that you wouldn't be excited, though._

_M: If I'd still been together with Sandy, I probably would've been._

_R: Yeah._

_M: She was ditzy and annoying, it's true. But at least she was…I don't know…someone._

_R: It's just that feeling of needing somebody to love, isn't it?_

_M: Exactly. Do you ever feel that way Ruth?_

_R: What?_

_M: You said it like you've felt that way before._

_R: Well…I'd take Peter over no one. It's just…lonely._

_M: You should get back together with him._

_R: No, it wouldn't be worth it. We're just not made for each other._

_M: Ha…love stinks, doesn't it?_

_R: Yes it does!_

_M: Well, I'll talk to you later, Ruth. Dad's flying in tonight._

_R: Oh, Martin! You didn't tell me that! That's great!_

_M: He was originally flying in to see Aaron, but you know…_

_R: Yeah. Well hopefully I'll talk to you tomorrow?_

_M: Sure. Bye, Ruth._

_R: Bye, Martin._

_I was trying to drop hints to Martin, but he didn't seem to get it. I guess it's just as well. I'm fifteen and he's nineteen. My parents might trust me with him, I'm not really sure. No matter how accepting and supportive they are, Sandy getting pregnant definitely lessened their opinion of him. Still…why do I do this to myself? I'm thinking about things that don't even apply to my situation or to any future situation, for that matter. Martin could care less about me. I'm just this kid that he talks to sometimes. He'd never dream of going out with me._

_Ruthie Camden (NOT Ruthie Camden-Brewer)_

_May 8, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_You won't believe this! **I **don't believe this! _

_Okay, let me calm down. I'll start from the beginning. This is what happened…_

_I was home with Simon and Cecilia while Mom, Sam, and David went grocery shopping and Dad went to the church to hold a Bible study. Simon and Cecilia were downstairs while I was up here painting my nails out of pure boredom. After I painted them a glossy blue color, I decided to go downstairs and see what they were up to. As I was walking down the stairs, I heard Cecilia crying, and I listened closely. Oh, gosh…I still can't believe this…this is what I heard:_

_S: Cecilia, it's going to be okay._

_C: No it's not, Martin! Things are so messed up now…_

_S: But did you see how happy my parents were last night?_

_C: Simon – that's because they don't know!_

_(Here my eyes got wide and I hardly breathed as I hoped they would mention what my parents didn't know.)_

_S: Cecilia, we'll tell them in time._

_C: Simon, I want to tell them tonight!_

_S: Why tonight?_

_C: Because they're your parents, for crying out loud! They deserve to know!_

_S: But Cecilia…_

_C: What! Are you afraid they won't accept me into the family!_

_S: I never said that. And anyway, it's not their decision. This is our family._

_C: I know, but they're going to notice anyway._

_S: How?_

_C: Simon, don't be so dumb! Unless I starve myself, which I'm not about to do…_

_I didn't even hear the rest. It all clicked and I tiptoed back up the stairs, out of earshot, before gasping._

_**CECILIA IS PREGNANT!**_

_Ruthie Camden_


	10. The Last Two Pages

_May 9, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_Simon and Cecilia told my parents last night about Cecilia's pregnancy. My dad handled it much the way a pastor should – he sighed heavily before forcing an accepting nod. My mother just sat there, looking completely stunned. It was a very awkward moment, despite my parents' best attempts at not falling apart._

_Then Simon and Cecilia talked about how they had been planning to get married before they found out that they were going to have a baby, and how they were ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead. Their little speech was so convincing that my parents actually started to look pleased._

_The rest of the evening was spent looking at ultrasounds and deciding if Cecilia's stomach was any bigger. It was totally boring, to be honest._

_Mom said that the wedding will have to be within the next few months, before the baby is born. Cecilia said that she hoped it could be before she lost her figure. They both laughed at that._

_I wasn't planning on calling Martin, especially since I didn't want to be the one to tell him about Cecilia's pregnancy (considering how he took the news that she and Simon were getting married) but he called me, so I didn't really have a choice but to break the news. Once again, Simon had said it was okay for me to tell. Everyone would figure out by at least the wedding that she was pregnant, anyway._

_R: Hey, Martin._

_M: Ah…you have caller ID, I assume?_

_R: No, I'm psychic. Why is caller ID such a big deal? This is 2006!_

_M: I'm guessing you get that question a lot._

_R: I get it from Peter, yeah. He's waiting for me to remove him from my address book._

_M: Ha, ha…_

_R: So is your dad there?_

_M: Yeah. He went on a date with Roxanne._

_R: That's right…he promised her that he would see her again when he came home._

_M: Yep. So what's been up with you?_

_R: Um…Martin…you're not going to want to hear this, but…_

_M: Cecilia's pregnant?_

_R: How did you know?_

_M: Whoa, whoa…I was just kidding. Are you serious?_

_R: Yeah, she just announced it tonight!_

_M: Oh…wow…_

_R: Yeah, she's about 3 months._

_M: Wow._

_R: She still looks pretty much the same, though._

_M: Wow._

_R: Is that all you can say?_

_M: I'm just shocked. Cecilia, of all people!_

_R: No kidding._

_M: So she and Simon are still getting married, right?_

_R: They pretty much have to, by my parents' rulebook._

_M: Do they want to?_

_R: Yeah, they said that they were talking about it before they found out._

_M: Well, it's good that they care about each other._

_R: Yep._

_M: Because I know what it's like to be in that situation and NOT care for each other._

_R: Yeah…_

_Martin and I talked for a lot longer. I can't remember the rest of the conversation, though. He was mostly just talking about how he's still sad, and he still misses Sandy and Aaron. I know that the Cecilia thing has been hard for him, too. I just wish that he would see in me what he sees in those other girls, because unlike them, I would never hurt him. I really do care about him, and I would never break his heart or build him up just to tear him down. He means so much to me._

_Peter called right after I hung up with Martin. Talking to him wasn't as painful, because he actually had good news._

_R: Hi, Peter._

_P: Caller ID?_

_R: I'm not answering that question anymore._

_P: Listen, Ruthie…I'm sorry for everything. I took you for granted, even as a friend._

_R: Apology accepted._

_P: No, I'm not finished. I'm really, really sorry, Ruthie. And I miss being with you.  
_

_R: Peter…_

_P: I don't mean as a girlfriend, I mean as a friend! Can we do what you said?_

_R: Uh, what did I say?_

_P: You said that you wanted us to be just friends._

_R: Okay, I can do that. I've missed talking to you._

_P: I've missed talking to you, too. And I promise that if I start seeing someone, they won't control our relationship.  
_

_R: Yeah…_

_P: I mean, they won't control when and when not we talk._

_R: Okay, Peter. That would be…great._

_P: So listen, I have to go, but I'll call you tomorrow._

_R: Alright. Bye, Peter._

_P: Bye, Ruthie._

_It was a short, but great conversation. I realized that I never wanted Peter back as a boyfriend, just as a friend. We've known each other for too long just to give up on our friendship. I feel fantastic. I feel wonderful. I can't wait to spend more time with Peter!_

_Now if only Martin could be my boyfriend._

_Ruthie Camden_

_May 10, 2006_

_Dear Journal,_

_Simon and Cecilia went out to lunch this afternoon. They're both so excited about the baby and getting married. It's a guarantee that Cecilia is going to have to have a maternity wedding dress, but she said that she's starting not to mind anymore._

_Peter and I went out to lunch too, but as "just friends". He was very polite, and he paid for his own food rather than looking to me for money. I think he's changed a lot since we broke up. Maybe he was getting tired of being my boyfriend and wanted to be just friends all along!_

_Martin called and he is coming over in half an hour. His dad is going out with Roxanne again. He said that he hopes his dad and Roxanne decide to get married, mostly because he'd like to have someone else around the house when his dad is away. He told me that he secretly hopes that if his dad and Roxanne get married, that his dad will just come home altogether, though. I feel so badly for him. That's why I invited him over. That and because I want to see him again._

_Mom is fixing a really nice dinner of salmon, French bread, mashed potatoes, cooked vegetables, and assorted fruits. It's making my mouth water just thinking about it! I can't wait to eat! I hope that Martin is hungry, which I assume that he will be._

_Maybe Martin and I will bond over this meal. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I've kind of taken for granted all of the extra time we've been spending calling one another, and the fact that he has been coming over a lot lately. He may not like me in the way that I like him, but still. At least I have more opportunities to see him and talk to him. And maybe, someday, when we're both older, he'll realize how much I care about him and how much I want to make him happy. He's been so miserable lately._

_Well, I guess that's all for now. I have to confess, having a diary hasn't been half bad. It really is a place to let everything out. I talked to Lucy on the phone earlier and, much to my dismay, I found myself thanking her for the diary and telling her how much I've been writing in it. Maybe, one day, I'll even get to the point where I can write "Dear Diary" instead of "Dear Journal"…or maybe not. But either way, I'm glad that I didn't put you up on the shelf of my closet and never touch you again. The same goes for the fuzzy pen._

_Ruthie Camden_

**Ruth,**

**Yes, I read your diary…or at least that last entry. And I know you're probably going to be totally humiliated, or either you'll hate me forevermore, but I want you to know that I think the fact that you care so much about me is really sweet. Obviously! I mean, how many other girls do I take the time to write for? You know how much I hate writing!**

**Really, please don't be angry at me. I liked it. And maybe sometime we could go out. It's funny, but I never thought of you in that way until I read what you'd written, and then I realized what a good friend you've been to me and how much I'd like to spend more time with you.**

**Once again, PLEASE DON'T HATE ME! I just couldn't resist. And I'm glad that I didn't.**

**That's the most I've ever written in my lifetime…wow…and this whole reading and writing in your diary thing is really out of character, eh? But that's how I feel…so…yeah.**

**Maybe call me? We could go out sometime.**

**Gosh, I wish I hadn't written this in ink. I wish I could erase it. I know you're going to be so humiliated but please, don't be angry at me. **

**Martin**

_**BOOK #2: "DEAR DIARY…I LOATHE YOU!" – COMING JUNE 2006**_

_**VISIT MY HOMEPAGE FOR MORE INFORMATION! (LINK ON PROFILE) **_


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